I Remember It Well

September 14, 1991, the day I married Kathy, was the happiest and most momentous days in my life.  Yet it’s amazing how much of that day is now lost in the muddier corners of my middle-aged mind.   It doesn’t help that it was a bit of a bewildering blur even at the time.  Leap ahead a quarter of a century and it’s a minor miracle that I remember anything about it at all.

Thank goodness for pictures!   This morning as I dug through a large envelop of photos from the day (for the first time in many, many years)   I could not believe how clearly our wedding day suddenly came into focus.  What was especially amazing was how all kinds of moments not even captured into these photos suddenly snapped into view with astounding clarity.  No longer was this an event from the faded corners of ancient history.  I  ….  who might not remember with certainty what I had for breakfast yesterday …. could suddenly and dramatically remember so much of that incredible day.

I remember THE CROWD and THE HUMIDITY  ….  In addition to inviting family and close friends,  we also extended what amounted to an open invitation to the congregation-  and by the time it was all said and done, we had between 350 and 400 people in attendance.   It was thrilling to have so many people there to share the day with us-  but I felt so badly for them having to sit for such a long time in a crowded sanctuary without air-conditioning, trying to stave off heat stroke.  But as far as I know, we didn’t “lose” anybody – and when I take a close look at the photos that capture people in the congregation,  I’m relieved to see hardly anyone who looks like they’re sorry that they came.

I remember our WEDDING PARTY …. and the fun that Kathy and I had in choosing them.  We decided almost right away that we were not going to adhere to the traditional formula of groomsmen and bridesmaids.  So for instance,  the women included two friends of Kathy’s (Lynn Derfus and Laura Bennett),  one friend of mine (Allison Nichols, who wrote some of the prayers for the service), Kathy’s sister Polly,  my sister Randi,  and someone who was a friend to both of us, Lynn Helmke.   The guys were a similar mix: my best friend Marshall,  my brothers Steve and Nathan, Kathy’s dear friend Chip McCrary,  and our mutual friend Walter Hermanns (Lynn’s husband.)  What a great group of people.   I only regret that I was so busy taking care of “stuff,” especially the day of the wedding,  that I really didn’t get to spend the kind of time with them that I would have liked.   After all, these were some of our closest friends and relatives who took time out of their busy lives to be part of our celebration.

And of course, any mention of our wedding party would not be complete without the two who pretty much stole the whole show:   our flower girl, Erika Smith,  and our ring bearer,  Shawn Hermanns.  If you look up the word ‘adorable’ in any dictionary,  there’s a picture of those two.  Trust me.

I remember (of course)  THE MUSIC ….  I sometimes I think of our wedding as a fairly conventional church wedding on steroids.  (In more modern lingo,  it might be called an Extreme Wedding.)   It was 90 minutes long (!) and packed to the gills with music    Two choirs sang:  “my” senior choir at Holy Communion from the back balcony while my father-in-law’s Church Singers from one of the front-side balconies.  (I’m pretty sure that not even the most lavish royal wedding features two choirs!)

And beyond the two choirs,  we were also blessed to have several dear friends as vocal soloists:   Amy Nichols Jensen,  my main singing partner through most of high school – Leslie Langan and Chip McCrary,  two of Kathy’s closest friends from Carthage,   – and my friend and soon-to-be faculty colleague Amy Haines.   Also on hand to play trumpet was Professor Mark Eichner from the University of Wisconsin-Parkside and Holy Communion’s own Randy Fischer at the organ.   And of course, it would have been foolish to have so many music lovers in the congregation and not given them a lot to do:  so we had three congregational hymns: “Praise to the Lord,” “Love Divine, All Love’s Excelling” and “Now Thank We All Our God” as our rousing recessional.  If I close my eyes,  I can still hear that triumphant, majestic sound echoing somewhere deep inside my soul.

I remember THE PROCESSIONAL …..    the great moment of truth.   When I saw Kathy walking down that splendid main aisle,  flanked on either side by her beloved parents,  I knew this was really happening.  And when I realized that Kathy was crying her eyes out, pretty much from her first step out of the narthex,  I somehow knew in that instance – in a way that had not quite dawned on me before – that both our lives were about to be radically and completely transformed forever.   (And by the way,  I regret to this day that I didn’t let Kathy have the wedding processional she wanted:  Maria’s procession from “The Sound of Music.”  I lobbied for and eventually got her to agree to Bach’s “Bist du bei mir” –  which was lovely, but not what she had her heart set on.  One of these days, if we ever renew our vows,  I will make sure that Randy Fischer is prepared to play that as we walk in.)

By the way,  Kathy and I decided very early on that neither of us felt any particular need to sing during our own wedding.  I must confess, however,  that I tried really hard to compose a song for the day that I would have sung as a surprise. However,  I ended up bone dry, the victim of one of the worst case’s of writer’s block I’ve ever had.  I think I just wanted it too badly and just got in my own way, mentally and emotionally.   It’s just as well, too.  Kathy wept all the way down the aisle and then was solid as a rock for the rest of the wedding.  From the moment she stopped crying, I started crying-  and was pretty much a sloppy mess for the rest of the service.  (My half of the vows were all but inaudible; I was that choked up.)  That actually proved to be a pretty apt metaphor for our married life;  most of the time when one of us is upset or heartbroken or angry, the other is there to balance the tipping scales back to where they need to be.

I remember THE DRESS ….   I don’t know anything about where Kathy found the design –  but I do know that my best friend and best man, Marshall Anderson,  built the dress as a wedding gift to us.   And it’s important to say for the record that if one calculates the enormous number of hours it took him to do this – and multiplies that times an appropriate hourly fee for a professional as skilled as he is –  you soon realize that Marshall’s gift to us was probably worth ten times what a wedding gift typically would or should cost.  We were so touched that he wanted to do that-  and thrilled that he was as pleased as we were with how wonderfully it turned out.  I knew Kathy was already beautiful, but it was really important to me that Kathy herself would feel beautiful on this special day-  and it was thanks in large measure to Marshall’s devoted work that she did.

I remember WHO MARRIED US.   Pastor Sandy Roberts gave a beautiful sermon – and it was my dad who officiated and who actually pronounced us man and wife.   And while my mom could not be there in person – she had passed away almost three years earlier –  there was a truly resplendent floral bouquet on the altar that was there in her memory.  That meant a lot.

I remember THE PETIT FOURS …..   We decided early on to forego one of those traditional wedding cakes (what to do with the leftovers?) in favor of elegant little petit fours – which are easier to serve, and much easier to deal with after the fact.  And they were fairly comparable in cost, much to our surprise.  I still remember the night when we gathered in Kathy’s parents’s living room to have a little taste test in order to choose which bakery’s petit fours were the best.  And in the end I think we chose well.  And I remember all through that cake reception feeling SO glad that we decided to have our reception right there in the church rather in some unfamiliar and fairly sterile commercial place that would have meant next to nothing to us.   Holy Communion was our second home in so many ways – and it was really through Holy Communion that Kathy and I really got to know each other and ultimately fall in love.  So it was right for our celebration to happen right there.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing ritzy.  But perfect all the same.

I remember THE MUSIC PROGRAM …..  This is something I am SO glad we did.  After the cake reception down in the basement,  anyone who wanted to stick around was encouraged to come back up to the sanctuary, where we had a little program.   It was mostly musical in nature, although a beloved pillar of the congregation – Ed Aller – read a very sweet poem that he wrote for the occasion.  (One of the church’s ushers,  Carl Stork – who is Down’s Syndrome – decided on the spot to offer up a poem as well.  It was pretty evident that he was making it up off the top of his head. I know it began “Roses are red. Violets are blue.  Greg and Kathy got married today . . .” It was sweet.)  Otherwise, the rest of the program consisted of all kinds of musical offerings.   My family and our dear friends the Martinsons – who used to sing together as the group ‘His Gang’ – got up and sang one of our favorites.  A group of Carthage friends sang together.  I joined in a duet with a beloved friend of our family, Joyce Farr,  who first played piano for me as I sang my first solos for church functions at the age of four!  My siblings and I sang something.  I’m pretty sure I sang a duet of some sort with Amy Nichols, with whom I had sung so many times during high school.  And Kathy and I sang something as well – by this point having both regained our composure – although I’m not sure what.    And at the end of the program, just about anyone who wanted to came up and joined in singing John Rutter’s “The Lord Bless You and Keep You.”  That’s a song that means a great deal to Kathy and me because it was our very very first musical collaboration … years before we began dating …  an accidental meeting at a mutual friend’s funeral that turned out to be the start of something really beautiful.

and I remember OUR DINNER ….   a chance to finally sit down, relax, and eat a delicious meal.  I look in chagrin at the photo below which shows the wedding party going through the buffet line first-  and there I am, on the opposite side of the serving table from my wife-  and a good ten foot ahead of her to boot!  Clearly I wasn’t yet up-to-speed on the attention that a husband should pay to his wife on their wedding day.   I hope I’ve learned a thing or two since,  although there’s no doubt I still have a long way to go.

We skipped the whole clinking-glasses-to-get-us-to-kiss thing in order to capitalize on the many guests who were singers.  We would only kiss if someone got up and sang a song to us with the word “love” somewhere in the lyrics.   I love this shot of the wedding party singing that great Supremes hit “Stop! in the Name of Love!”

Fortunately,  it was way too late to STOP by that point!    And here we are, 25 years later,  going strong – and feeling so very grateful for the richly blessed life we continue to share together  . . .

. . . and so grateful for the family and friends who have been such an important part of our lives.