Isn’t this a wonderful photograph? It shows my stepmother, Sonja, standing between two of my nieces: Anna and Aidan Spencer-Berg, a few minutes before Sonja and my dad renewed their marriage vows- 20 years to the day after they first made those vows with each other. (In the background, you can see the gorgeous Stave Kirche, a carefully constructed replica of the kind of Lutheran churches that were first built in Norway in the late Middle Ages. It’s quite a story of how the Lutheran church on Washington Island – a vibrant but not especially large congregation – managed to build this amazing structure without using a single modern nail …. but that story will have to wait for another time.)
Kathy and I were very excited about the chance for most of the family to gather in as gorgeous a place as Washington Island for some unhurried together time. What I don’t think either of us stopped to think about was how this event would also be an opportunity for us to express our love and our gratitude for what Sonja has meant to us and our family over all these years. And when I look back on what transpired on the island, that’s what I’m most thankful for – the chance to say thank you to Sonja.
It’s not that the words “thank you” haven’t been spoken to her over the years …. but thanking her for the delicious dinner ….or for coming to the concert… or for the lovely Christmas present …. isn’t quite the same as saying Thank You For Being So Caring. Thank You For Bringing Such Joy Into My Dad’s Life. Thank You For Being Such An Amazing Grandmother. Thank You For Being You.
My mom died 25 years ago this fall- and her death (sudden and completely unexpected, when she was only 58 years old)- was a blow beyond measure to me, my siblings, my dad, and my mom’s many relatives and friends. As for my family, it didn’t take long for us to realize that with her death we had lost the person who kept all of us connected; it was as though we had been cast adrift from each other. Slowly but surely, we figured out ways to build new channels of communication and in some ways we became closer than we had ever been- but it still felt like our family had been maimed. (I vividly remember when we posed for a family in the parsonage living room- a photo minus my mother, of course. It looked SO wrong!) My mom was an incredibly vibrant, joyous, warm-hearted woman- and with her passing, the world sure looked gray and sure felt cold, at least for awhile.
I say all that to place in proper context the enormous difference which Sonja has made in my dad’s life and in the life of my family. My mom (whom Sonja knew and liked very much, and vice versa) was not an easy act to follow, and I imagine that my siblings and I maybe didn’t know exactly how to react to the possibility of my dad remarrying. But more than anything, we wanted him to be happy- and it became very clear very quickly that Sonja and my dad were an incredible couple. They had a great chemistry with one another, but it was also a very different chemistry than that between my mom and dad. I think that was the thing that was most remarkable to me- that someone so different from my mom could make my dad so happy…. not different in values or principles, but very different in a lot of the matters of day-to-day living. And even more than us accepting Sonja and her astonishing attention-to-detail and immaculate housekeeping, she had to find a way to accept the Bergs and the chaos that we tended to create the moment we walked in the door! Remember “The Odd Couple”? In some ways, we were living out its unwritten sequel, over and over again. But over time, I think we learned to appreciate one another and to bend towards the middle a bit. . . and at the same time, came to really love one another.
20 year ago, when my dad and Sonja exchanged vows for the first time, all of us were still in that stage of figuring out the Felix & Oscar stuff and just what this new family would look like and feel like. It was a joyous day, to be sure, but also complicated- not just by the wash of conflicting emotions which all of us were feeling that day, but also by the fact that Sonja was battling a truly wicked case of the flu that left her feeling violently ill for most of the morning. (Can you imagine how scary that was for her and for all of us?) But by the Grace of God, she began to feel a bit better and was well enough for the wedding to go on as planned. And when the service began and she entered wearing the same beautiful Norwegian bunad that Randi had worn for her own wedding five years earlier and looking positively radiant, all was right with the world!
And thus began a new chapter in my family’s life, a chapter in which my siblings and me, our spouses, our children, have all been recipients of Sonja’s attentive loving care. She knows our birthdays, cares about our concerns, shares in our joys, and delights in our accomplishments. She is a supremely giving person- and she’s also someone who has a deep and abiding passion for the planet and for the well- being of its inhabitants. But I especially love how that zeal plays out in small and intimate ways. My dad shared at the renewal service (and I had heard him say this before) about how when he was serving a couple of different congregations as their interim pastors – congregations that had undergone wrenching difficulties of one kind or another- Sonja was, in his playful verbiage, “my secret weapon.” Time and time again, Sonja would connect with certain parishioners in conversation before or after church, and come to a deep understanding of what kind of lingering hurts or fears or resentments were still affecting that community. That’s one of her greatest gifts: she is a tremendously attentive and sensitive listener. I know my wife can attest to that. When it comes to the crazy frustrations that come with being married to a Berg, I know for a fact that Sonja has been an indispensable sounding board for Kathy… and for a lot of other people as well.
20 years to the day after their wedding – which happened to also be Kathy’s birthday – dad and Sonja gathered in Washington Island’s lovely Stave Kirche to renew their vows, joined by Kathy and me, Nathan, Matt and Randi and their children, Aidan, Anna, and Kaj – with Steve, Scott and Henry sending their good wishes from faraway Philadelphia. They had several close friends there as well, and together we acknowledged the blessing that dad and Sonja had been to us and prayed for God to continue to bless the two of them. The beginning of the service was done outside, but we hastened inside when we heard thunder in the distance…. and indeed we weren’t all that far into the service before the skies unleashed a torrential downpour. But we were dry and safe and warm in this beautiful little church, and love filled that beautifully plain and simple space. And as the presiding minister invited us to share our thoughts about dad and Sonja, we had the chance to say the kind of thank you’s that I know we have not taken the time to say often enough – or maybe even ever – over these past twenty years. (The minister said that we could possibly begin our remarks with “I remember the time when….” and I actually said right off the bat that I couldn’t really think of it that way, because when I think of Sonja’s kindness, I can’t possibly think of it in terms of isolated incidents. Her kindness is a lifestyle of kindness, lived out year after year.) And maybe the most moving moment of the whole service came when my young nephew Kaj offered to sing “Simple Gifts” for them. I keep thinking about how appropriate those words were for what we had experienced together as a family….
‘Tis a Gift to be Simple, ‘tis a Gift to be Free.
‘Tis a Gift to come down where we ought to be.
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
‘twill be in the Valley of Love and Delight.
When True Simplicity is gained,
to bow and to bend we sha’nt be ashamed.
To turn … turn … will be our delight,
‘til by turning … turning … we come ‘round right.
After the service concluded, we exited to our cars two by two, under the only umbrellas available, as the downpour continued – and then made our way to The Sailor’s Pub for a spectacular dinner, to which Dad and Sonja treated all of us…. yet another instance of them being tremendously generous. But as fun and delicious as that meal was (during which we all sang “Edelweiss” together and played little quiz games concocted on the spot by young Kaj) in some ways it was even more fun when we gathered the next day for a very simple lunch of pizza, chicken and french fries at a humble place called Island Pizza right down by the ferry. And there we sat for two hours, just talking and enjoying each other’s company- with nowhere to rush off to. We may have been eating off of styrofoam plates, but in some ways it was a glorious banquet, and the best possible way to finish up our time on the island, just having all that time, unencumbered by the typical trials and stresses of life. What a gift it was to leave all that behind us, for a precious few days.
‘Tis a Gift to be Simple …. ‘Tis a Gift to be Free …. “
It is indeed.
pictured above: Sonja with Anna and Aidan. I don’t remember which of them made that little green crown for Sonja, but it sure looked lovely!