My most recent stint at the Grace Institute ended yesterday, and I am feeling so good about it. I had wondered earlier in the retreat if I was doing quality work because so little was being said to me by the participants, and I am still vulnerable to self-doubt about such things. And then when I heard that the great Marty Haugen had been aboard for the previous retreat, I was starting to feel like a very small, insignificant fish and seriously doubting the worth of my little songs and wondering if I had “inflicted” them rather than “shared” them with the folks at the retreat.
I am so stupid.
I had forgotten that the balance of the retreat is a time of intense reflection, and back-slapping is not going to happen in that sort of scenario. But the last day? Whoa! In the morning was a service of communion (we used my O the Joy liturgy) and the atmosphere became one of great celebration – and then the closing service that afternoon surrounds everyone with this sense of intense, profound warmth and affection. And my every doubt was washed away. Participants were so generous with their compliments and expressions of gratitude. . . I could not have felt more loved or appreciated. So many people came up at one time or another to thank me, to say how much they hoped I would be back, to ask about using “O the Joy” at their own churches, etc. . . . the Grace Institute equivalent of a ticker tape parade.
One story really stands out: A year ago, which was the first retreat for this particular group, I composed specifically for them called “So is the Grace.” This time around I used that song for the first night vespers- and no one said a word about it afterwards. Now I realize, DUH! The service ended in silence and that silence was not to be broken until the next morning – so exactly when and how was I expecting someone to say something about that song? And yet, that’s how potent self-doubt can be, at least for me. But yesterday afternoon after lunch, as I was bringing something out to the car, I bumped into one of the retreat participants who said that she had just taken out the music to “So is the Grace” a few days before this retreat began (they were welcome to take a copy home with them last time) and had sung through it – and then was absolutely thrilled when I included it in the first vespers service Sunday night. And she even remembered the story I had told last summer about how I finished that song while sitting at a Wendy’s in Dubuque. If there’s anything that I appreciate even more than someone liking my music it’s someone who remembers my stories! I’m not sure anything could have made me feel better than this- to know that I had written something which really made a difference for someone.
That’s why this little fish is in the water in the first place.
p.s.- It was really nice to have Kathy feeling better at last – She came to Sinsinawa for the closing liturgy and it was nice to be able to introduce or reintroduce her to my colleagues. And of course they had heard about how rotten she had been feeling, so her entrance was greeted as though she were Lazarus risen from the dead. I was glad to have my wife feeling like herself again, just in time for our quick trip to Decorah.