Another Father’s Day has come and gone, and I am feeling a warm sense of peace. I am not a dad myself – and a tiny little sliver of my souls regrets that – but the rest of me feels like that is really fine. . . that I have a different calling (as does Kathy) and that our lives are very rich and fulfilling even without parenthood. I think for me one of the odd sorts of comfort is that most of the dads I know well are WONDERFUL dads and it makes it easier to leave the fathering to them. Does that make sense? If the dads in my life were a little more bumbly, then I would probably think to myself “Hey, I could do that. Maybe I should be the one raising that little child.” But when I look at my brother-in-law Mark, or my brother-in-law Matt, or my brother Steve and his partner Scott – fabulous fathers all – I cannot imagine being as good at it as they are – or as natural as they are. And it makes me more than content to leave the fathering to those who are gifted to do that. I’ll work on being a good uncle and a good godfather; that’s more than enough of a challenge for me!
This morning at church, Kristen Green and her husband Dan were there both with their beautiful son Jonah – whom most of us had already met – and with their brand new baby daughter, Isabella – whom none of us had met before today. Dan and Kristen got her in Guatemala earlier this week in an exciting trip made still more exciting by an earthquake which occurred while they were there. Fortunately, none of the most essential proceedings were interrupted and they returned to America as a happy family of four where once there had been three.
The picture above is a sweet image of Dan with both of the kids who are each hungry for as much of his attention as they can get. I shot several similar images- including a couple where he is grappling with them, just trying to get a grip – another where he has a big grin on his face – and another where Jonah is a bit unhappy that his sister has climbed aboard. But I like the relative serenity of this particular picture. . . although it sort of conveys that the task of being a loving father, for as gratifying as it can be, is also mighty tricky.
It was fortuitous to have seen Kristen and Dan at church today, because I happen to be busy reading a superb book by Jeff Gammage called “China Ghosts: My Daughter’s Journey to American, My Passage to Fatherhood.” (I will be recording an interview with him later this week, for broadcast sometime the week of June 25th.) Gammage and his wife have adopted two girls from China and this book is the story of that – complete with all the joys, sorrows, excitement and frustration that is part of that experience. And although his story is very much tied up in the process of adopting a child from another country, he also offers some interesting thoughts on fatherhood in general. Here is a sampling:
Having a daughter has taught me to live at low altitude, close to the ground, where children live, a world where a smooth flat rock is a treasure and a straight piece of stick is a find. . .
I think that being a parent is a little like being a chemist. Or maybe an engineer. Everybody brings similar tools to the table. But nobody has a guaranteed plan. So everybody is left to do what he thinks might work, to pay attention to what others are doing and try to build n that progress. . .
When I was growing up, my mother and father, I was sure, always knew exactly the right thing to do in every situation, whether it was a child slipping into the deep end of a pool or a washing machine overflowing in the kitchen. My mom and dad knew the answers to every questions. They divided light from darkness. . . Now that I’m a father, now that I’m the age my parents were when they were raising me, I know: they were making it up. . . . Now I know how little anyone raising a child can be sure of. . . The only thing I know about raising a child is that no amount of preparation can suffice. . . I thought that raising a child would be like taking an ocean journey, sailing steadily from Port A to Port B aboard the sturdy ship of my knowledge and understanding. It’s not like that. It’s more like trying to body surf on a giant wave. . .
My fatherhood will be too short. That I know. Still, being a father has already delivered more laughter than anyone has a right to enjoy, and greater satisfaction than anyone has a right to expect. It has taught me – forced me – to become my better, stronger self.
from “China Ghosts” by Jeff Gammage, published by William Morrow.