“Gratitude is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding whenever possible the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances.”
– Timothy Ray Miller (author of How to Want what you Have)
I am in the thick of rehearsals for the Racine Theater Guild’s production of The Sound of Music – and for those of us who dearly love this show, this is an especially fun and exciting undertaking. It seems like yesterday that Doug Instenes and I were listening to well more than a hundred people who auditioned for this production …. including more than 70 children who were vying to be one of the seven von Trapp siblings. It was thrilling to have that much talent to choose from, but troubling to have to disappoint so many eager youngsters. The math was inescapable: 9 out of 10 children (some of them very talented) would finish out of the running. It wasn’t like Les Miserables, where we were able to swell the ranks of the young revolutionaries so we could utilize more of the fine young men who auditioned – and swell other aspects of the cast as well. (We ended up with a cast of 40 rather than the originally-planned 30.) But there’s no way to have more than 7 von Trapp children.
Anyway, we called back 22 young singers and, after long and careful deliberations, eventually chose the seven children who would be the von Trapps. The photo above was taken at our very first rehearsal … and it was clear from that first gathering that we had chosen wisely. Not only did they sing beautifully, but they also worked wonderfully together – as though they had been friends for years. And we made an especially good choice with Talia Engstrom as Liesl (the oldest of the children) because even on that very first day she had this marvelous knack for knowing just what to do and say to draw the group together and make every one feel special and welcome. The same was true for Samantha Sustachek, whom we cast in the critical role of Maria and who hit it off beautifully with the children from that very first day. I look at this photo and can’t help but smile, because it makes me think of that first rehearsal and how spectacularly well it all went.
And yet … it occurs to me that other people might look at that very same photo and feel very differently about it. Anyone who wanted to be one of those von Trapp children- or Maria- couldn’t be blamed for looking at that photo and thinking to themselves “why them? Why not me?” And it doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or greedy or anything else- just a normal human being with feelings that can be hurt. Actually, I don’t think I would have given a thought to that until I found myself feeling similar feelings of envy just a couple of days ago when I saw a photo on Facebook of a happy pre-Thanksgiving gathering of some Carthage music students- with a smiling faculty colleague of mine sitting amidst them. My first reaction to seeing the photo was “how fun!” But my second reaction, mere seconds later, was “why wasn’t I invited, too?” It’s pretty embarrassing to admit that, but it just goes to show you how fragile our feelings can be …. how a 54- year-old college professor can be assailed with feelings of “do they like Professor X more than they like me?” Echoes of junior high school!
Thinking about how left out I felt when I saw that photo has me wondering a lot about what I post on Facebook. What about all of the photos I posted during the rehearsal period and performance run of the RTG’s Les Miserables? I was so caught up in the excitement and joy of that adventure that I couldn’t help but share about it, but what did those photos represent for someone who desperately wanted to be part of that production- but wasn’t. Or the photos from the lovely Disney cruise that Kathy and I took last December? Or what about all the times when I prattle on about how much I love my work? About the voice students who mean the world to me and who make me feel like the work I do really matters, and matters to them? About the fascinating people I get to interview on my radio show? It never occurred to me that by parading my blessings in a forum like Facebook, I might be unintentionally irritating – or even causing hurt – to someone for whom life might be much tougher.
And I know this has to happen because it happens to me. For as ridiculously blessed as I am, I find myself slipping into those very same feelings of envy when I peek into other people’s lives. When I see someone post photos that show them triumphantly crossing the finish line of their latest 10K run, I feel myself despondently sinking deeper into the couch on which I’m lazily sitting and staring at my widening girth. When I see photos of people’s fun vacations, I get frustrated at the complexity of my schedule and how infrequently we get out of town. And then there’s the heartwarming photos of parents with their children- like a recent one showing a classmate of mine proudly walking her strapping 18-year-old son across the football field on Senior Night. Part of me smiles at such a heartwarming scene- but another part of me aches a bit at never having been a parent myself. Even when our own lives are overflowing with blessings, it’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have rather than what we have.
So on this Thanksgiving, I want to make a concerted effort to be Truly Thankful – which is more than just being grateful for the good things in your life – and more than remembering to look for the bright side, the hidden good, in things that are tough. To be Truly Thankful in the richest sense means being able to delight in the blessings of others, without envy. It brings to mind one of my favorite quotes from Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners. When taking to task well- meaning parents who give presents to all of their children when any one of them has a birthday, so no one has to go without, she delivered this zinger: “Any child who grows up believing they will be the bride/groom at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral is destined for a most unhappy life.” How much better life is when we can sincerely rejoice in the good fortune and great accomplishments of others. And on the other hand, True Thankfulness also means being mindful of those who might not be tasting the same sweet blessings that we are – and trying to be a blessing for them. This thanksgiving, I can think of two different friends- one through Carthage, the other from the theater guild- whose holiday is being spent in the hospital, worrying about the well-being of a loved one. It’s a reminder to all of us that life is a crazy quilt of colors – some bright and easy, some dark and difficult.
So rejoice in all that’s good in your life- and in the lives of those around you. And in whatever is difficult for you or for someone you love, look for the lessons to be learned and for the hidden graces that can help you through. Above all, do not take life’s blessings for granted. Be thankful.
pictured above: These are the talented young people portraying the von Trapp children in the RTG production of “The Sound of Music” – l. to r. Luke, Alayna, Isabel, Talia, Maddie, Evelyn, Ethan. In front is Samantha, who is Maria.